Wardrobe Malfunction

File this one under I, for “IT’S AWESOME TO BE ME!”…

So it’s last night. I’m in class. And I am NOT feeling good. I’m tired. I’m sore. I’m SO sore. My whole body is fatigued and my muscles just do NOT want to work. I’ve spent the entire Standing Series trying to wring every last drop of strength out of my strung-out, totally depleted body, but to no avail. NOTHING good is happening in this class. My body is like a wet noodle. My brain is jello. And I’m EXHAUSTED.

We get to the Spine Strengthening Series and I’m fantasizing about cool beverages, fluffy pillows, and a time when I can maybe sleep for more than five hours in a night, all while listening to my heart pound mercilessly in my chest and my breath slip raggedly in and out through my lips. The first set of Locust draws to a close and I lay—rather, collapse—my useless body onto the floor.

That’s when I feel it. It’s nothing big. Very small in fact. Just a teeny tiny little POP around the area of my back.

OH SHIT.

Unfortunately, I know EXACTLY what that is.

No, it’s not a muscle snapping. Or a tendon. Or cartilage, a joint, or a bone. It’s much much worse. It is… MY BRA STRAP.

The right one, to be exact. Like me, my bra must be very tired and like my body, unwilling to stretch. So unwilling in fact, that it’s gone to the trouble of slipping its hook out of its closure and SNAPPING like a rubber band across my back and now sits, flopping in the breeze, up around my shoulder.

Why why oh WHY GOD WHY!??!?!?

As if I’m not having a tough enough time! As if I’m not already half dead! As if I’m not already mortified to be in the front row of a packed class and struggling like it’s my first day! Now I’ve got a wardrobe malfunction on top of it.

OH CRUEL ATHLETIC WEAR GODS, WHY MUST YOU TAUNT ME SO?!?!

I look around briefly. No one seems to have noticed. At least my belly is still to the floor, no chance of boob slippage… YET…

The class continues. We’re on to the first set of Full Locust. While the class moves into the pose, I frantically reach around my back for my broken bra strap, trying with all the coordination I can muster to stretch it across my back and slip it into the tiny hook-and-eye fixture on the other side. I feel a strange sense of guilt over not being in the pose with the rest of the class, but at the same time would hate for one of my ladyparts to pop out of my unhooked top as I’m stretching my chest up and back.

It’s not so much that I’m modest. PLEASE, I’m practically naked in class already. It’s just that I feel flashing the class may be slightly inappropriate and might—just MIGHT—make others a smidge uncomfortable. Yes, that’s right, I have everyone’s best interest in mind here. YOU’RE WELCOME.

I hear giggling behind me. Clearly, people are taking note of the lunatic girl in the front row whose clothes are falling off.

The pose ends and as the students turn their cheeks to their mats I hear my Bikram twin Maddie* come scuttling over on her knees from the mat next to mine. My hero(ine)! She quickly grabs the offensively lazy bra strap and definitely secures it back in place.

“ALISON!!!” the teacher exclaims, a half-joking tone to her voice, “Are you TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF?!?”

“Umm… maybe?” I answer.

Class crawls forward. I jump back into the postures, giving my bra top dirty looks in the mirror the whole time.

You just try that again bitch, and I will CUT YOU, I will cut you SO FAST…

Oh yes. Once my friend and co-conspirator, my bra top and I are are now enemies. Lucky for me, it decides not to act out again, and remains firmly fastened the remainder of the 90 minutes.

So! What can we learn from this, kids? Well many things I suppose…

ONE! Before class, it’s good to make sure your bra is firmly hooked, fastened, sewed, super glued, stapled, nailed, fabric tied SHUT.

TWO! Always practice next to someone who’s a good enough friend that she’s willing to skip a Savasana and help you dress yourself.

THREE! Intensely threatening your clothing with physical violence will occasionally make it behave better.

FOUR! Perhaps consider wearing a pair of these UNDER your bra top, just in case…

Hey, that way—wardrobe malfunction or not—you’d NEVER have to worry!

*NOT her name. But we’re always in class together, like Maddie and Chloe from ‘Dance Moms’. So that’s why.

Update & Highlights!

Hey guys! It’s been a minute, I know. But now that mercury is out of retrograde and I’m able to string together a sentence again without busting a blood vessel (hey, I’m a Gemini! Mercury retrograde affects us a lot! Google it!), I’m back, and I have SO MUCH TO SAY! So get ready for a whirlwind, whiplash-inducing tour of The Highlights from the past few weeks, everything from mundane to momentous, both cute and brutal! Enjoy.

THE HIGHLIGHTS!

Let’s start with a simple one…

I got the weirdest correction ever! It happened in a class last week. We were doing Eagle. It went like this…

Teacher: Alison, you’ve got a little forward bend… Just so you know…

Huh? My face wrinkled up and I had to stifle a giggle. “Just so I know?” How… umm… polite? I guess? And weird! Usually when teachers correct me it’s in a tone more reminiscent of “Git ‘r dun and do it now, bi-atch!” rather than “Just so you know…”. I mean, the “just so you know” tone doesn’t usually indicate a command, or even a suggestion! It’s the way you would talk about the weather!

“Oh hey, I heard it’s going to rain today, JUST SO YOU KNOW…”

Regardless, I am working on eliminating my little forward bend in Eagle. Just so YOU know.

Maddie hair! Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last two seasons, you are probably at least vaguely familiar with the amazeballs reality television phenomenon known as “Dance Moms”. If you read this blog often, you are DEFINITELY familiar with it. If you are NOT familiar with it, I suggest you visit Hulu right now and get to watchin’! I MEAN, IT IS ONLY LIFE-CHANGING PEOPLE.

So assuming you watch the show all the time like I do, you know who Maddie is: the adorable little nine year old super talented dancer kid who wins everything all the time and is the rockstar of her studio? Yes? Well. Maddie wears her hair in a fancy little up and over french braid that she—or rather, her Dance Mom (like the name of the show, GET IT?!) weaves into her ponytail.

Like so.

Now since I am super cool and watch reality programs on Lifetime for fun, I thought it would be SUPER fun to copy Maddie’s hair—yes, I am taking hairstyling tips from a nine year old and her mom, SUE ME—and wear it to Bikram. And I have been! And I love it! It gives me something fun to look at in the mirror besides the sweat dripping off my earlobes and the asymmetry of my eyebrows. Now I have a fancy FRENCH BRAID EMBELLISHED ponytail! Oooh la la! 

It’s gone over quite well. And apparently there is NOTHING more impressive to people than a girl who can braid her own hair. Everyone seems astonished that I do it myself. (Hey, I have to! I don’t have a Dance Mom to do it for me!) I’ve been asked to make a how-to video and post it on YouTube, but there is no way in god’s green earth I’m going to do that. Sorry guys, I just hate how I look on cam-e-ra (pronounced in three syllables with a Jenna Maroney from “30 Rock” accent).

And while I’m pretty good at doing my own brain when no one’s watching, I’m certain that if a camera were pointed at me I would get nervous and freeze up and not be able to do it and slowly lose my mind and you would find my dead lifeless body weeks later with a flip video mounted firmly in one hand and a can of Aqua Net in the death grip of the other. And really guys, I’m too young to die.

I kind of agreed to compete next year but it was totally an accident! So one day a couple of weeks ago I was in class, like normal, struggling to continue breathing, like normal. The teacher was being a little tougher with me than usual, but whatever, I kind of like that so it was all good.

We get to Wind Removing Pose, and I’m at the crisis point where I have to start reciting all the lyrics to “Cooling” in my head just to keep from having a panic attack, and the teacher comes over and stands right over my face and whispers something so loudly yet so unclearly that I can only respond with “WHAT”.

She repeats herself. I hear the following: “Yusshhucupppuppnxxxxtyrrrrr.”  I respond with a VERY convincing: “Ok…” You guys, I didn’t know what she was saying! And I was just a LITTLE busy at the time trying to pull my knee into my shoulder whilst still remaining conscious!

She walks away, apparently pleased with that answer. I assume maybe she’s said “You should think about training next year.” Like, you know, going to teacher training. I kind of shrug it off. But then I realize that’s not what she said at all. She actually said, “YOU SHOULD COMPETE NEXT YEAR.” And… OhSHIIIITTTT, what was my response? The very flat, very convincing “OKAY”.

OH. NO.

Well. I didn’t bring this up again. And neither did she. Until last weekend…

So I’m on my mat, getting ready for class, adjusting my towels and admiring my Maddie hair, and the teacher comes walking over with a friend of hers. She introduces me to the friend in the following way: “This is my student Alison, she has an amazing practice AND SHE’S GOING TO COMPETE NEXT YEAR!”

I didn’t correct her, unless you count stammering “Uhhhhhhh ummmmm errrrr,” as a correction, but I’m pretty sure the horrified look on my face said it all.

Anyway guys, I’m not REALLY planning to compete, I mean I can barely hit my Standing Head To Knee in class nevermind on a stage in front of people while WEARING A LEOTARD, good god NO! But I haven’t broken the news to my teacher yet. Eh, I’ve got a year to fix this situation… I can put it off for a while. And who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind. Or maybe hell will freeze over. You never know.

My cover got blown in class! I was in class one Saturday, just doing my thing—ahhh, which would be sweating, grunting, and muscling my way through the Standing Series—when the teacher suddenly turns to me and says in a SLIGHTLY amused way, “Alison, relax your forehead!”

I try to, not really thinking about it.

The teacher goes on, “I have a better internal dialogue with you now; I’VE READ YOUR BLOG!”

Ohhhhh snap! BUSTED!

My left hamstring is a jerk! Ugggggh you guys, being injured is the biggest crapfest EVER. And a hamstring injury is one of the worst! You don’t even realize how many things you use your hamstring for (HINT: EVERYTHING) until you can’t use it anymore!

See, I have this kind of perma-injury at the very top (the “semitendinosus”, far right in the very fancy graphic below) of my left hammy.

I got it in college when I was dancing all the time and running marathons. I initially pulled it in a dance class, no big deal. But being SUPER SMART, I never stopped to rest it and let it heal. Nope! I just kept on taking dance classes, and competing, and running 100 miles a week.

I MAKE SUCH MATURE DECISIONS! I AM AWESOME AT LIFE!

Well, needless to say, after about a week of that I had made it soooo much worse that one day while I was running it kind of popped and well, that was the end of that. I couldn’t run for FOUR MONTHS. Bummer. And still to this day, over 10 years later, my left hamstring is still so sensitive that it pulls if you look at it funny. UGH.

So last week someone must have looked at it funny, because WHOA it was giving me a HELL of a time. I mean, it was bad. BAD bad. Like, I was almost in tears in class BAD. Not as much from pain, although it hurt plenty, but more because it is SO FREAKING FRUSTRATING to be MODIFYING your practice when you really want to be IMPROVING your practice! And it was really at the point where my brain was starting to panic and I was getting all OMMIGOD IT HURTS SO MUCH AND IT’S BEEN INJURED SO LONG AND IT’S NEVER GOING TO HEAL AND I’M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO A SIT UP WITHOUT BENDING MY KNEES AND I’M GOING TO HAVE TO MODIFY FOREVER AND JESUS CHRIST I WOULD RATHER JUST BE DEAD THAN HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS STUPID HURTING INJURED DUMB HAMSTRING ANYMORE!

And then the world’s smallest violin started playing an angsty bit of Beethoven—you know, one of those pieces he wrote after he realized he was going deaf—and I wept bitter, bitter, salty tears.

But wait! This story actually has a silver lining—nay, a Happy Ending! My hamstring has finally started to heal and is feeling so much stronger! At least in part because…

I took this AMAZING ‘Flexibility And Contortion’ class at a pole dancing studio in Chelsea! Wait—WHAT?! Pole dancing?!

Yes, pole dancing. I am obsessed. But we’ll get to that another time. For now, the least you need to know is that the studio I go to—which happens to be run by a bunch of US and world champion pole dancers (NOT kidding)—doesn’t just have pole classes, they have tons of other aerial/acrobatic class offerings too. One of which was this “Flexibility & Contortion” one that I took last weekend.

I was a little nervous, given the severity of my hamstring situation and also the use of the word “contortion” in the title, but HOLY HELL you guys, it was freaking AWESOME! It was like all the good, fun parts of a yoga class, all smooshed together. It was NOT easy. Not at all. It was definitely WORK. But the awesome thing is that the teacher really focused on HOW to work, and how to work SAFELY. My hamstring actually felt STRONGER when I left than when I went in! WOW!

And the backbending segment of class? AWESOME. I had NO idea I could backbend like that, and it felt soooo good!

And then we worked on piking into handstands… which was… somewhat less successful for me. But you know, there were girls in there that were totally doing it! Granted, they were full on acrobats, but it made it seem attainable! Like it could actually be a realistic goal! And that was exciting.

Equally exciting? I’ve been applying the ideas in Bikram all week and my hamstring feels AWESOME. If you live in or near NYC you should totally try this class, at least once! Contact me, I’ll give you the info! And prepare to be AMAZED. Also, sore. You will be SO sore. But in a GOOD way.

I’m still not locking out my Standing Bow! I know this is hardly news. But I swear to jesus, I’m at least a millimeter closer than I was a month ago! And while that achievement may be almost imperceptibly small, I think it’s still something to celebrate.

NAMASTE, Y’ALL!

Teacher Appreciation

HEY GUYS! Guess what? Today’s brand spanking new post is… not here!

Wait—WHAT?! But if it’s not HERE, where IS it?!

Why, it’s over on Elephant Journal! You can click right here to read it now!

I originally wrote it for this site, but then decided it should have a wider audience and was probably more appropriate over there. So, check it out! And please feel free to leave comments! My editor LOVES when people leave comments, so let’s give her something to get excited about! I mean, aside from her excitement over getting to correct my CONSTANT OVER-ZEALOUS USE OF THE CAPS LOCK KEY!!!

Anyhoo, it’s all about TEACHERS and our relationship with them! Hope you enjoy! More new-ness coming very soon…

NAMASTE!

“Sebastian”

My Columbian co-worker—a native Spanish speaker—just tried Bikram for the first time. This was one of her MANY comments…

**NOTE: The word “Sebastian” is pronounced as “seh-BAST-chee-uhn”—with a strong Columbian accent—throughout.**

Me: So how was your class?!?

Co-Worker: I spent the whole second half with Sebastian.

Me: Huh? With who?

Co-Worker: Sebastian!

Me: (silence)

Co-Worker: The teacher said ‘..and go to Sebastian,’ and I did!

Me: ‘SAVASANA.’

Co-Worker: The WHOLE second half of the class! (pause) I love Sebastian.

Yeah, I think it’s safe to say we’ve ALL got a thing for Sebastian…

THE END.

Body Lessons

When I did my Vinyasa teacher training, all of nine bajillion years ago, one of the questions on the application was something to the effect of “Injury is often our greatest teacher. Talk about an injury you’ve had and what you learned from it.” Or something like that. Whatever, it was NINE BAJILLION YEARS AGO!

At that time, I think my answer had something to do with a hamstring I had pulled in college while I was a marathon runner (no joke, guys) and the pull was so bad that I couldn’t run for FOUR BLOODY MONTHS! which is a really long time to NOT run when you’re used to running 100+ miles a week, but OH WOW if injury is my greatest teacher then this TOTALLY taught me patience! Or at least, it should have, right? Like, it COULD have THEORETICALLY taught be about patience? The potential was there? And WHAT no I did NOT lie on my yoga school application to say that it did! I merely… stretched the truth… a smidge… maybe. I mean, I COULD have learned patience. If I had LEARNED it.

ANYWAY.

As I am now older and wiser (by approximately NINE BAJILLION YEARS), I am continually learning all manner of new things about myself via injury and illness. For instance, this weekend. I was sick, beyond Sick, beyond SICK. And let me tell you, IT WAS NO FUN AT ALL.

It all began Thursday night. I was home in my apartment, just eating dinner and watching a documentary about superfoods and vitamins…

(I know, I am a freaking PARTY ANIMAL!)

…when suddenly I got really tired. I mean REALLY tired. Like, can’t hold my head up anymore tired. And I thought HMMMM ok, that’s not that unusual, I’m a busy person, I do a lot, I’ve been a little run down lately, no problem! I’ll just lie down in bed and LISTEN to the rest of this documentary as if it’s a radio play. A really exciting radio play about vitamins.

And so I did. And what I didn’t know was that what I thought was just me being tired turned out to be me getting sick beyond Sick beyond SICK.

Ok REALLY you guys, WHO gets SICK while watching a documentary about VITAMINS! It is just UNFAIR.

Needless to say, it wasn’t long until I was fast asleep. Dreaming of… I don’t know, who remembers those things?! At exactly 3:15am I was awakened by a twinge. A strange burning in my stomach. Hmmm, very weird. A trip to the bathroom proved fruitless. But HEY, no problem! Like any good yogi, I’ll just do some compressions! So I went back to bed and did a few Wind Removing Poses, a little Childs Pose, you know. As you do.

The burning didn’t go away. But I feel back asleep.

I woke up again sometime between 6am and 7am. My stomach still burned. HMMM… now slightly concerned… you know, it felt almost like… well, almost like that time when… OH GOD. OH NO. IT CAN’T BE.

But yes, a trip to the toilette (in French because I am classy) revealed that it was indeed my worst fear come true: a nasty case of the nastiest STOMACH FLU.

Uggggggh you GUYS! Stomach flu is the WORST!!!

For the first few hours I deluded myself into thinking I could go about my normal day, as if nothing was wrong.

Oh, but I’ve only thrown up once! That’s not so bad! I can still totally go to class at 2pm! I’ll just hydrate a little extra and take in some electrolytes, yessss this will be GREEEEAT!!!!

And then I threw up three more times.

FINE. Ok. Maybe NOT.

And it SO sucked you guys, because beyond the crippling pain of the stomach flu itself (and the accompanying back/head/hip/full body aches) was the mental anguish (NO I am NOT over-dramatizing!) over the fact that this was all happening on a FRIDAY which is the start of my weekend AND knowing I would have to miss my favorite class of the week.

BAHHHH! BOOOO!! TEARS OF FRUSTRATION!!!

But it was unavoidable. I spent two days in bed, the first trying not to die, and the second thinking HMMM, how am I supposed to recover from this???

Now. Conventional wisdom for the stomach flu goes something like this: get lots and lots of rest, drink ginger ale/gatorade/sports drinks, eat starchy stuff like crackers and rice and bread.

But! What about when those are things you NEVER do? I mean, I’m a pretty active person. Getting lots of rest is foreign to me. “Ginger ale” is just a code name for “corn syrup water”, and gatorade is full of so many artificial colors it’ll stain your insides. And bread, rice, starchy stuff? Dear LORD, I just can’t DO it!

GIVE ME GREEN JUICE OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!, my body screamed.

NO YOU ARE GOING TO EAT RICE AND CHUG THIS BLUE SPORTS DRINK!!!, my intellect screamed back.

And so on.

We tried it the way of my intellect first. I ate the rice and starchy carbs. And I tried to drink the sports drink… I couldn’t really get it down. Ick. And I stayed firmly planted in bed. Resting, resting, resting some more, past the point when it felt good or normal. And although that was all the conventional wisdom, all the things you’re SUPPOSED to do, it DID NOT go well for my body.

By the second night I was sore from sleeping (yes apparently that’s a thing), had an awful headache that wouldn’t die, couldn’t even BEAR the smell of gatorade, and I swear my lungs had shrunk to about 12% of their normal capacity. Clearly, conventional wisdom was not meant for me…

And then I thought HMMMMM, maybe, for me to feel better, I HAVE TO GO BACK TO DOING THINGS MY BODY IS ACTUALLY USED TO DOING!

Like, for instance, drinking green juice, eating healthy stuff, and GOING TO YOGA.

So Sunday morning, I did it all. Still feeling woozy from two days of bedridden stomach upset and very little food, I chugged a DELICIOUS 8oz of green juice…

(AHHHHH!!! said my body!)

…and went to Bikram.

And even though I was a little out of it, and I didn’t have any amazing asana breakthroughs, and I couldn’t push myself as hard as I normally do, and I had to stand in the back row on the cool side and there was a constant squirrely feeling in my belly and slight worry in my mind that I just might upchuck at any moment, IT FELT FREAKING AMAZING to be back in that hot room and MOVING MY BODY.

I loved every second. And after class I drank a huge coconut water. And then more green juice. And I walked around outside in the amazing fresh NYC springtime air. And I felt AWESOME.

What would have happened if I had stayed in bed another day, eating crackers and drinking blue goo? Who knows, but it probably wouldn’t have felt this good.

Which brings me to my point, or WHAT I LEARNED FROM HAVING THE STOMACH FLU FOR THREE DAYS:

You guys, when it comes to matters of health, sometimes the “conventional wisdom” just doesn’t apply. I mean, let’s face it. Most Americans just aren’t that active. Or health conscious. They’re NOT. They’re not going to yoga seven times a week, drinking green juice every day, eschewing processed foods and refined starches in favor of sipping kombucha and making their own kale chips. Nope, they’re sitting on the couch, eating Hormel chili out of a can while chugging a non-diet soda and watching “The Biggest Loser”.

Ok, that’s a vast generalization, but the bottom line is, when it comes to matters of health and wellness, we—meaning myself and probably YOU who are reading this—are NOT the 99%. So WHY should we listen to advice meant for the 99%, when we should really just be listening to our own bodies? Which is what yoga teaches us to do in the first place?!?

Ahhh sometimes it just takes a reminder…

Our bodies have an innate intelligence all their own. They’re always trying to tell us things, but sometimes it’s hard to hear, and sometimes it’s not what we WANT to hear, or what we EXPECT to hear. And so sometimes we ignore it. But if yoga teaches us anything (it teaches us LOTS of things), it’s that we NEED to listen to our bodies. It’s important to our health and our well-being. And by practicing yoga not only do our bodies’ voices become stronger, but we become more receptive to what they have to say.

The more I practice, the more I get to know myself, and the stronger my dialogue with my own body gets. It speaks louder, and more clearly, and with more authority. And I’m more tuned in to it. I hear it. And I listen better (most of the time). And not just in the hot room, when I’m practicing, but outside in the ‘real world’ as well. This practice teaches us so much; sometimes it just takes the STOMACH FLU to act as a reminder…

Anyway.

For all who may be wondering, I am now back to my normal, healthy, non-sicky self. Just perhaps a little wiser for the wear… which I suppose, in the end, is not such a bad thing at all.

Mailbag #18: Stretching Past Your Limits

Hello, Glitter In Your Hair!

I have to admit, I am a bit of a glitter junkie myself. I like it in my hair, on my finger and toe nails, on my clothes, decorating my water bottle, notebooks, pencil cases, etc.! What can I say, I love shiny things.

ANYWAY.

You ask an interesting question. I assume your friend is referring to the heat in the room when he/she speaks of the danger of Bikram yoga, and how it “stretches you past your limits”.

In my experience, this has NOT been the case.

While it’s true that heat encourages the body to stretch further than it would in cooler temperatures, I think part of the reason I’ve never felt stretched “past my limits” is because in this style of yoga you’re ALWAYS in control of how far you stretch yourself.

Most of the “stretching” postures in Bikram are very active, meaning you have to use a tremendous amount of strength in one group of muscles to get the opposing group to stretch. The dialogue even says “pulling is the object of stretching,” meaning you have to use your STRENGTH to work your FLEXIBILITY. One goes hand in hand with the other. So really, if anything, this yoga encourages BALANCE, rather than an extreme of either strength or flexibility.

My body has always been more strong than it is flexible. I have a LOT of muscle, and while I’m definitely more bendy than the average person on the street, as far as super stretchy yoga people go, I am still a LOOOONG way from being a noodle. For me, the heat is a HUGE advantage in working my flexibility (while utilizing my strength, obv!), getting my super-tight muscles to release, and opening up the places that are tight in my body. It hasn’t stretched me past my limits, but has helped bring my strength and flexibility into a more even balance.

SPECULATION TIME! For someone who is already super-duper flexibly, perhaps that wouldn’t be the case, and maybe the heat would encourage their already-stretchy muscles to open up and stretch even MORE and potentially OVERSTRETCH? I don’t know, I’m hypothesizing here, having never had the experience of living in a super-stretchy body myself…

I’ve found, in my 14(ish) months of practice, that this yoga is actually remarkably gentle on the body, especially compared with other styles. This series is comprised of BEGINNGER level postures, arranged in a specific sequence to open the body systematically, from the “bones to the skin, fingertips to the toes” as Bikram says. The length of time each pose is held allows for maximum health benefits. And the heat facilitates working deeper and safer. It’s truly yoga for EVERYONE.

That said, CAN you get hurt doing this yoga? Sure. But you can also get hurt doing ANY kind of yoga. Or any kind of sport. Or driving your car. Or cooking your dinner. Or sleeping at a funny angle. You get what I’m saying?

With Bikram—as with any other physical practice—you always want to be present in your body and focus on working CORRECTLY, working for proper form, not depth of the posture. If you do that, I think you’ll find that rather than overstretching to the point of injury, your body will begin to open up in ways you maybe never thought it could!

Hope this helped, and good luck with your practice!

xo,

a

Taking Corrections

Before we even begin, let me be clear: I love corrections. I do! The more specific  and individual, the better. I eat them up, and I try to apply them right away, as if to say LOOK! SEE? I AM A GOOD STUDENT! I AM LISTENING! I AM SKILLED AT THE ART OF FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS! I AM GOOD AT YOGA! YAY ME!

And I have no problem with aggressive teachers; they’re usually my favorites. My theory is that if your teacher isn’t pissing you off at least SOME of the time, you’re probably not practicing with the right teacher.

And I’m totally fine with aggressively given notes/corrections. PLEASE. I used to be a singer/dancer/actor. So believe me, I’ve gotten some HARSH notes.

Like, Abbey Lee Miller on Dance Moms harsh.

Like, Zach to the poor girl in the yellow trunks in the opening montage of A Chorus Line (“YOU! In the yellow trunks! DON’T DANCE!!!!”) harsh.

Like, you want to go off into the corner and cry about how awful and untalented you are and how sad your life is and how you will probably never ever EVER be ANY good for ANYTHING and you should probably just leave this advanced contemporary dance class and go down to Crumbs and get a cake—no, not a CUPCAKE, a whole freaking CAKE!—and eat the whole damn thing—I mean WHO CARES if you get fat, you will never be a dancer anyway!—while you look on Craigslist for a new job as a (GASP!) administrative professional!!!

Yes THAT kind of HARSH.

And it was all ok and everything was fine because, you know, that’s just how that world works. It’s results driven. You need to produce a certain quantity and quality of work in a certain amount of time. Usually there’s money involved. And careers at stake. And lots and lots of big fat egos. It’s a high-intensity, high-adrenaline, high-stress working environment, and the prominent style of teaching/directing reflects that. But whaddya gonna do? If you can’t take the heat, etc, etc.

In yoga though? Well… it’s NOT results driven. There is no end-of-year performance. It’s not a competition (unless you are competing, which is a whole different ballgame). It’s just about YOU doing the best you can on any given day. And mostly, teachers get that. They still push you of course, but not in a creepy, Black Swan, OMMIGOD YOUR ENTIRE CAREER DEPENDS ON YOU TAKING THIS ONE SINGLE CORRECTION IMMEDIATELY RIGHT NOW SO FREAKING DO IT, YOU LAZY IDIOT, OR YOU HAD BETTER BRUSH UP ON YOUR MICROSOFT OFFICE SKILLS AND GET A JOB IN A (GASP!) OFFICE, BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER WORK IN THIS FIELD AGAIN! kind of way.

I think this is a good thing. Otherwise there would be a way longer line at Crumbs.

Anyway.

This weekend, I got my ass(ana) handed to me, in the form of specific individual corrections that, despite my best efforts, I just couldn’t manage to take. It wasn’t exactly a mania-inducing Black Swan situation, but let’s just say, if yoga was a subject in school, I would have failed.

EMBARRASSING, HUMILIATING, MORTIFYING, AMMIRIGHT?! Yes. Let’s review…

FRIDAY. Friday is my favorite class of the week, but also my toughest. It’s a hot room and a demanding teacher. (Of course, that’s why I love it.)

So we’re in the midst of the Standing Series, and I’m dying a little, per the usual. I’ve just fought a Hunger Games-style battle to the death with Standing Bow, and next up is Balancing Stick.

Now I struggle with Balancing Stick for many reasons. Mostly stemming from the fact that I used to be a dancer, and it is actually hell on earth for me to lift a leg—either in front of OR behind me—without turning out from the hip. This, to be clear, is a Bikram yoga no-no. I know that, and I TRY to fix it, but there’s only so fast you can un-do hours and hours and years and years of ballet. So needless to say, my progress has been laborious, minimal, and slow.

We begin the first set of the pose, and I’m struggling, as always, to keep my body up, leg up (but not too high), leg turned in, foot right behind my hip. Apparently, I am failing, and the teacher points it out.

“Alison, your leg is crossing over, get it right behind you.”

She steps behind me, grabs my lifted heel with her hand and manipulates it into the proper alignment. I whimper and wobble and nearly crumble into a pile of human parts at her feet. I swear I can hear her chuckle. Or maybe that’s just in my head…

We finish the first set, and the teacher stops class to demonstrate the pose, you know, since SOME of us (ahem) can’t seem to get our lifted leg in the right place. She gets herself into the pose.

“So I’m looking forward and I can see my lifted leg in the mirror…”

WHAT the…

“…so I can SEE if my leg is crossing over behind me or not.”

HUH? Wait. Ok. HOW is she seeing her LIFTED leg in the mirror?! She’s looking THAT FAR FORWARD? In BALANCING STICK?

“WHAT?” Pam asked when I explained it to her later, “HOW?! Does she have an eye on the top of her HEAD?!”

“Maybe…” I answered, only half kidding, wondering for a moment if the teacher was perhaps spiritually evolved enough to have developed a literal third eye.

But whatever, if she can do it, it must be possible! I’ll give it a go!

We start the second set, and I’m ready to see my lifted leg in the mirror. I get into the pose, I go to lift my head and look forward anddddd… NOTHING HAPPENS. My head doesn’t move. I can see about five feet on the floor in front of me, but there is no way in hell’s bells I’m gonna be able to see my foot in the mirror. Meanwhile, I’m mouth-breathing and panting and sweating like an animal trying to figure out HOW she managed to do it…

“ALISON! Your leg is crossing over!”

SHIT.

“You’d be able to SEE that IF YOU WERE LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR.”

Uggggggh. Why why why. Now I look like a jerk! She probably thinks I’m not even trying. That I’m LAZY. That I DON’T CARE. UGH. I hate this. And I hate this feeling that I’m somehow letting the teacher down, that I’m not as strong as she thinks I should be, that she would think that I’m deliberately NOT taking a correction. I feel shamed, like I should be wearing a scarlet letter (L for Lazy, perhaps?). And I frown and bite my lip and stare the the floor. I am a disappointment to the world.

My insecurities are reaffirmed approximately 30 seconds later, when we’re in Standing Separate Leg Stretching.

Now you guys, sometimes it takes me a minute to get into this one. It seems easy and all, but there’s a lot going on! I’m trying to get my fingers WAY under my heels, and my elbows WAY behind my calf muscles, my toes turned in, my upper body stretched down, my weight forward, quads engaged, and on and on. AND I’m usually trying to catch my breath from the assault on my heart and lungs that IS the Balancing Series. It’s a lot and it takes a second or two to make it all happen!

So I’m working my way into the pose, and the teacher is pacing the room. As I’m going through my alignment checklist (see above), I remember the ever-popular “flashlight-in-the-butt” instruction that often accompanies this pose (“Pretend there’s a flashlight in your butt and you have to shine it up to the ceiling!”), and I widen my hips and stretch my body down further at JUST the moment she happens to turn and start walking toward my side of the room.

“OH, so NOW you’re doing it, because I’m walking toward you. Well, YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALL THE TIME.”

Jesus AGED. I swear on a stack of Bibles, if I could do it all the time, I would! Unfortunately for all of us, I am a HUMAN BEING and not an android, and trust me lady, I am JUST as disappointed about this as you are!

Now of course I don’t take anything personally. Her perception doesn’t determine my reality or self worth (it cost me approximately $2938592 in self-help books and 7823 hours of Oprah’s Life Class to be able to say that). But again, I HATE that she THINKS I’m being lazy. I furrow my eyebrows and bite my lip. Grrrrrr. Roar. Scream. WHY?!

SATURDAY. It’s Standing Separate Leg Stretching again. Is this my new nemesis? Maybe.

“Alison! Get your elbows further back behind you, like the first set of Padahastasana!”

Ahhhh yes. Padahastasana. That OTHER pose I can’s seem to do properly. I try to manipulate my elbows around my considerable calf muscles annnnnd… NOTHING. Jeeeez, HOW am I supposed to get these elbows in when my DAMN LEGS ARE IN THE WAY?! Fail. Big fat correction-taking FAIL.

SUNDAY. More fun. We’re in Standing Head To Knee.

Like in Balancing Stick, I struggle to quash my turnout in this one. I’m balancing on my left foot, right foot extended, elbows down, and my right foot, like always, is pointing slightly out to the right rather than directly up.

“Alison! Turn your toes in more. Get your foot straight.”

I turn it in about 2 degrees, at which point my right hip lifts and throws my balance so far off I almost fall. GRRRRRRR this is getting old. The teacher is nice about it.

“So at first you’ll turn your foot in and it will throw your balance off and you’ll feel like you’re going to fall, but that means you have to press harder into the inside of your standing leg. I do the same thing.”

I nod in appreciation of our singular struggle against the oppression of ballet turnout. Second set, I try again. Toes in, hip down, weight on the inside of the foot… NOTHING is happening.

“GET YOUR FOOT TURNED IN!!!”

UGH.

You guys, what is WRONG with me?!?

Now, here’s the thing: though this is all a BIG HUGE deal in my mind, I’m sure the teachers aren’t exactly losing sleep over it. I’m sure their last thought before they go to bed each night isn’t “Now why can’t Alison manage to see her lifted leg in the mirror?”. I’m sure they don’t throw down their dinner plates in disgust, screaming “I simply CANNOT enjoy these organic macrobiotic vegan soba noodles until I know why Alison is being so lazy in class!” In other words, I AM SURE THEY HAVE LIVES OF THEIR OWN AND MY STRUGGLES IN THE HOT ROOM ARE NOT THE FOREMOST PROBLEMS ON THEIR MIND.

However.

I still feel BAD about it. Why? Because they are good teachers. And they work hard. And I respect them and I’m grateful for the corrections. And I don’t want them to think I’m lazy. I don’t want them to think I’m belligerent. Or deliberately not listening, or ignoring them, or ungrateful. I don’t want them to think I’m stupid and just don’t understand what they’re saying. I don’t want them to roll their eyes and sigh impatiently at me when I go in tomorrow and my leg is STILL crossing over and my toes are STILL turning out and I’m STILL not reaching far enough around the back of my considerable calf muscles. I don’t want them to get frustrated with me for not taking the correction.

I wonder sometimes—I mean, I REALLY wonder—if they get that these things are going to take some TIME. It took a long time for me to develop all these bizarre, mostly dance-related, physical habits and mis-alignments, and hasn’t research shown that it takes TWICE as long to break a habit as to make one? I think so. Which means I am in for a long, long journey.

So HEY TEACHERS! I don’t know if any of you read this. Actually, it’s probably better that you don’t. But IF you are (hey, it’s a free country), know that I’m working on it. ALL of it. Mmmmmkay? I’m listening to you, and I’m NOT being lazy, I swear! My brain totally understands you! It’s just that my body doesn’t. Not yet. But one day, with continued effort on my part which I am totally committed to providing, it will!

And on that day, though it may be far into the future, my lifted leg WON’T cross over in Balancing Stick. And I WILL get my arms back behind my calves as my forehead touches the floor in Standing Separate Leg Stretching. And I WILL get my top leg turned in in Standing Head To Knee.

And on that magical mystical day far into the future, the clouds will part and the sun will shine and all the forest animals will come out and play with big smiles on their cartoon faces and all the trees and flowers will giggle and clap, and then we will all go to Crumbs and get a full size cake and eat it all in one sitting, but not out of DESPAIR this time, out of CELEBRATION! For on this magical day, my body and brain will have finally understood each other. I will have proven that I am a good, strong, hard-working, NON-LAZY, student, and I will finally—FINALLY!—have shown that above all else, I KNOW HOW TO TAKE A GODDAM CORRECTION!

THE END.

Competition Highlights!

Hey yoga freaks (and anyone else who may have stumbled upon this site while Googling “party planning” or “picnic food”)! As most of you know, I went to the USA Yoga Asana Championships right here in NYC last weekend, and WOW do I have a LOT to say about it! So let’s jump right in, shall we? YES, WE SHALL.

HIGHLIGHTS OF MY EXPERIENCE AT THE 2012 YOGA ASANA CHAMPIONSHIP!

I saw tons of bendy people in tiny shorts and leotards do amazing things with their bodies! Obviously, this was the big highlight, watching the competitors do their routines. I mean, what can I say. It was pretty cool. You can watch it all—or a lot of it anyway—yourself, on the USA Yoga YouTube channel. And I recommend that you do. To whet your appetite, here’s the ladies winner, Afton Carraway. She makes it look like it’s NOTHING.

CRAZYTOWN, AMMIRIGHT?!? She barely even broke a sweat. SICK.

Moving on…

I drank my weight in free coconut water! This event was sponsored by Zico. And apparently, when Zico sponsors an event, it means they bring about one trillion miniature bottles of coconut water packed into about one hundred thousand coolers full of ice, and they pummel you with them at every opportunity! Ok, so they didn’t really PUMMEL us. They lined up row upon row of mini-coco-h20 bottles and we pounced on them like hungry velociraptors. You guys, I drank so much free coconut water this weekend I was probably peeing coconut. But you know, the way I see it, I was doing them a FAVOR. I mean, they wouldn’t bring all that coconut water if they didn’t want us to DRINK it, RIGHT?! Besides, I’m sure they wouldn’t want to pack it all up and take it HOME at the end of the weekend. NOOOOO, it was very good and helpful of me to do them the favor of drinking as much as my tummy could hold. YAY ME! I HELPED!

I did lots of shopping! I knew this would happen. There were approximately 2937 assorted hot yoga clothing vendors on hand, eager to separate us yogis from our beloved money! And guess what? THEY WERE SUCCESSFUL! At least as far as I was concerned. I spent approximately ONE BAJILLION DOLLARS on new pairs tiny shorts and capri length yoga pants. But you guys, the shorts are SUPER cute! And they are brand new patterns exclusive to the competition! And the capri pants make my butt look good AND THEY DO NOT GIVE ME A MUFFIN TOP. So you can see, it was really a miracle of god, and ultimately easily worth the one bajillion smackeroos. So NO I do not feel guilty for spending all that money. Not at all. NO. I am just not going to look at my bank balance for a while. Because if you ignore a problem, it goes away, right? YES. YES IT DOES.

I really wanted to buy a blue rhinestoned bra top and matching rhinestoned booty shorts, but I resisted! But you guys, it was really REALLY hard. I mean, these little outfits were CUTE. I am talking ‘Dance Moms’ cute. Like, I could wear this thing to class and do a french braid around the crown of my ponytail and put on some fake eyelashes and pretend I was going to rehearse with the Abbey Lee Dance Company and OMMIGOD MAYBE ABBEY WOULD EVEN PUT ME ON TOP OF THE PYRAMID, MY OUTFIT WOULD BE SO CUTE!

I tried to convince my friend A that we should get matching rhinestoned outfits (in different colors, obv) and wear them to class together and stand next to each other like good little yoga twins, but she wasn’t into it. I think her exact words were, “Alison. NO.” And then she pulled me away from the table while I stared back googly eyed and drooling over the precious and oh-so-seductive rhinestoned booty short / bra top set and one lone tear trickled sadly down my cheek. THE END.

I met some interweb friendies in real life! Ohhh this was so awesome. So as you can imagine, a national competition draws in participants and spectators from far and wide, including a few people who read this blog! And on Saturday I got to meet a couple of them! Warren from Connecticut, and Lucille from Alabama, owner of Bikram Hot Yoga Mobile! SO FUN!!! I also got to see a couple of interweb friendies compete, including Katie from DC, and Richard (aka Yoganacho) from right her in NYC! They were both awesome, FYI, and while I didn’t get to chat with them personally, I’m SURE we’ll run into each other again one day!

I learned that I can watch a lot more yoga than I thought before I get bored! Honestly, given my experience with similar competitive events (track meets, swim meets, ballroom dance competitions) I kind of assumed watching a bunch of people do the SAME poses over and over and over (and over!) would get old after about an hour. I was prepared for it to happen. But… it didn’t! I mean, after a LONG while I found my mind drifting off and wondering if it was too soon to go back and get another free coconut water from the Zico table, but really, it took WAY longer than I thought it would to get to that point.

It’s just, I don’t know, FASCINATING to watch people work through those poses! And I realized that although I take class every day, I’m always TAKING class, never OBSERVING it. I never just sit back and watch people do the poses! And to do so was really really interesting AND—dare I say—EDUCATIONAL! You guys, if you really watch someone who knows what they’re doing get into a pose, and you imagine what it would feel like for your body to do it as you’re watching, well, it will change your practice! Really. That’s how I learned to do lots of tricky things. Just by watching. I KNOW, IT’S LIKE MAGIC!

I got really (REALLY) inspired to work harder (by which I mean AT ALL) on inversions and armbalances! Yeah, you know, all those super awesome yoga party tricks that the competitors pulled out for their last two “advanced” postures! Things with names like “Leg Breaking Pose!” and “One Armed Peacock!” and “Tiger Scorpion!”

Yeah. I used to do all that stuff—(ok maybe not ALL of it; I wasn’t exactly rocking a One Armed Peacock or anything, but I did at least SOME of it!)—when I was practicing and teaching Vinyasa…

See? PROOF!

…but since my practice is much more Bikram-centric these days, well, I don’t go upside down or spend as much time on my hands as I probably should. I used to be fairly adept at armbalancing, but inversions were never exactly my thing…

Well, WHATEVER, that’s all in the past! Time to build some upper body (and core—eeek!) strength, and get over that fear! I’m currently trying to find a way to sleep in plank position, and I’ve warned my roommates that if they hear any clunking accompanied by assorted loud curse words, it’s probably just me falling out of a forearm stand. They’re cool with it.

I learned a few VERY important things about competition, in case I (or YOU) ever want to compete! While the idea of potentially competing one day scares the bejeezus out of me, I think there’s probably a LOT to be learned by having the experience. I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready to put myself through that type of hell on earth challenge, but if I ever DO grow a pair and decide to man up and get onstage in my skivvies one day, here are a couple of things I learned. You know, so my FUTURE SELF can refer to them later… (or never).

COMPETITION ADVICE FOR MY FUTURE SELF!

1) The most important thing when it comes to choosing a leotard is THAT IT FIT.

2) If you are going to be standing on a brightly lit stage practically nude, and especially if you are a pasty white Irish girl (who, ME?), it is best to GET SOME COLOR ON YOUR BODY VIA THE SUN, THE TANNING BOOTH, OR THE SPRAY TANNING BOOTH! Otherwise you will glow like a highlighter.

3) “Grocery store hair” is unacceptable. Braids are the way to go. Get ‘em done.

4) Three words: LASER. HAIR. REMOVAL.

5) Confidence is EVERYTHING!

6) No matter what happens, SMILE. And for god’s sake don’t make the “apology face”!

7) Work correctly. Like they say in class, go for FORM and ALIGNMENT. You are not gonna pull one over on these judges. Trust me.

8) This is not a physical game, it’s a MENTAL one. Ok, well it’s a LITTLE physical. But really, I saw people who I KNOW can nail a pose in class totally blow it in competition. And others who may not appear so strong in the hot room get up and rock it out. Why? WHO KNOWS. But I have to believe it has A LOT to do with mental strength and mindset. BEING STRONG IN YOUR MIND IS AS IMPORTANT—OR MORE SO!—THAN BEING STRONG IN YOUR BODY!

9) As the lovely and talented Lucille from Alabama pointed out, it’s not just about the three minutes you’re up on the stage. It’s about your WHOLE JOURNEY to get there and what you learn along the way! Don’t look for the OUTCOME, look for the EXPERIENCE.

10) Don’t be so serious! Really, wipe that constipated look off your face! For god’s sake, it’s ONLY YOGA. Lighten up already, sheesh!

Annnnnnd that’s all she wrote, folks! Hope you enjoyed the Competition Highlight Reel! Til the next one, peace out, and NAMASTE!

Thoughts During Nationals…

The USA Yoga National Asana Championship was held last weekend in New York City. Of course, being a huge yoga nerd, I went. Full recap to come, but until then, please enjoy this transcript of the internal dialogue that occurred approximately once every three minutes between my Brain and my Body, as I watched the best in the nation bend, flex, and pose on the stage.

Brain: Look! Look what she’s doing up there!

Body: Yeah? WHATABOUTIT?!

Brain: That Standing Bow! That perfect locked out leg!

Body: Yeah?

Brain: That handstand! That armbalance!

Body: Uh-huh?

Brain: Look at her strength! Her flexibility!! Her grace!!!

Body: (silence)

Brain: NOW WHY IN HELL’S BELLS CAN’T YOU DO THAT!?!??!?!?!

(beat)

Body: Fuck off.

And, SCENE.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Every three minutes. All weekend long. THE END.