During Half Moon…
Teacher: “Dina! DINA YOU’RE NOT WORKING! Push, Dina! Come down and push, push, pushhhhhh, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH, PUUUSSSSHHHH!!! And change…
Dina! Daddy had to get a little firm with you there, didn’t he?
(silence)
(beat)
Ok, that was creepy.”
Creepy, yet debilitatingly hilarious! I couldn’t stop grinning for about two postures after :)
Sigh.
YOU GUYS. It has been a crazy, weird, wildly surreal few days over here. Remember my last post? Where I was all ‘Ommigod my flu is gone and I’m out of bed and doing stuff again and it feels so GOOD and so RIGHT and OMMIGOD I AM SOOO HAPPPPYYYYY LA LA LA BRAIN EXPLOSION!!!”
Well. I may have been a HAIR premature in the celebration department. Seems there was a LOT more going on in my body than I was aware of… Let me take you back…
(fairy dust, fairy dust, fairy dust…)
So while I was sick with this weird stomach flu-y thing last week, in addition to normal flu symptoms—you know, the good ol’ upset stomach, diarrhea, nauseousness, achy joints, fully exhasticatedness—I had a few more… well, unusual symptoms. Like headaches. Bad ones. And shooting pain up the left side of my head. Pain in my left jawbone. And pain in my left ear. These were all intermittent, so I didn’t think a lot about any of them. Just weird flu stuff! I mean, who understands the flu anyway?!?! VIRUSES! Ammiright guys?!?!
The achy-ness went away, as did the exhaustion, as did the stomach upset, at which point I was all HURRAH, I’M CURED! Except that the weird jaw-ear-shooting head pain never left. In fact, it got worse. I consulted with Dr. Boss (NOT his name, but he is a doctor—albeit a dentist—and my boss) at work on Thursday, and he said it was probably just a virus remnant working its way out. Ok, I’ll buy that.
But then Thursday night I noticed two tiny lumps near my left ear that hurt when touched. The jaw pain was constant by this time, no longer just a once in a while thing. And the shooting head pains were a regular occurrence. Ok, now I was worried…
And of course, where do you turn with a medical question at 11pm on a Thursday night?!? OBVIOUSLY, you go to WebMD and begin spinning the symptom-dial in a SUPERFUN game we call Self-Diagnosis!!! By 11:30 I was convinced I had an infection of my salivary glands. By 11:45 I was convinced I had cycsts. By midnight I was CERTAIN I had the most malignant form of salivary gland cancer imaginable. And by 12:30 I was making out my will.
YOU GUYS. This is lesson number one on why you should NEVER self-diagnose!!! I mean, unless you need motivation to make out your will.
ANYWAY.
Cut to Friday morning. I wake up, pop in to a work meeting, mention my weird jaw lumps which Dr. Boss assures me are just little cysts and I should ignore them, then leave and head to Bikram. I’m in the locker room getting ready and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and HOLY SHITBALLS, WHAT’S THAT?!?!?!?
That THING! Up at the left corner of my forehead! It’s a red welt about the size of a quarter!
Now I live in New York City. Greatest place on earth, and also bedbug capital of the universe. So obviously I’m like OH SHIT. It’s a bug bite. On top of EVERYTHING else, now I have FREAKIN’ BEDBUGS!!!
I try not to freak out during class. My jaw hurts. The stabby head pain hurts. Even this stupid bedbug bite HURTS. Actually, it BURNS! Seriously, WTF is going on with my body…
(Ok time out. Bonus points awarded to anyone who can make a diagnosis at this point! Any takers? Eh? Eh?!?!)
I go home. Smear anti-inflammatory cream ALL over the giant bug bite, though as I look at it, it doesn’t REALLY look like a bite, more like a collection of tiny tiny blisters… WEIRD. WHATEVER. Smear smear smear, I take a Benadryl, I go to bed (after inspecting for bedbugs, obv).
Saturday. I wake up to throbbing jaw. Burning forehead bug bite… that has now grown to include my eyebrow… and a spot on the TOP OF MY HEAD. Like, UNDER MY HAIR. What bedbug is crawling UNDER MY HAIR for god’s sake?!
Ok, shit has gotten too weird at this point. I forgo ALL yoga classes planned for the day, and head over to urgent care. It’s probably time to see a doctor that’s NOT a dentist, ya know? I’m seen right away by a little Indian doctor who’s probably all of about 19 years old. I explain the symptoms, at which point he tries to tell me I have TMJ from grinding my teeth at night.
DUDE. I don’t know much, but I KNOW this ain’t TMJ!
“When’s the last time you saw a dentist?” he asks. Ohhhh the irony.
“OH, I see a dentist EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE,” I reply, not exaggerating. Come ON, I work with dentists!
So just as he’s about to tell me that the jaw pain is just a remnant of virus working its way out, and I should just take a few advil every eight hours, and I’m JUST about to jump out of my SKIN because at this point I want a DIAGNOSIS, DAMMIT!, he glances up…
“What’s that on your forehead?” he asks. I hadn’t had a chance to explain it yet, since I’d been too busy defending the fact that I do NOT have a night grinding habit.
He goes on right away without waiting for an answer, and in the most matter-of-fact tone of voice says:
“That’s shingles!”
BINGO. Who had shingles in the pool? You win it all!!!
GREAT! A diagnosis! At least now we’re getting somewhere! Even if where we’re getting is a totally unsavory locale…
SO. If you don’t know (because I didn’t yesterday!). Shingles is a mutation of the chicken pox virus. Once you’ve had chicken pox, which most of us had in our younger days, the virus never really goes away. It hides out in your spinal fluid and lays dormant, but can be re-awakened by any combination of: another virus, stress, not enough rest, a weakened immune system, certain drugs. And when it’s re-awakened, it travels up THROUGH YOUR NERVE ENDINGS (eeeuuwwwww) causing ridiculous pain along the way, and turns into a weird creepy blistery rash that hurts a lot. FUN TIMES.
So it would seem that whatever stomach virus I had earlier in the week re-activated the chicken pox virus in me and my weakened immune system allowed the virus access to my tri-geminal nerve (the one on the side of the face/jaw) where it laid down roots and was now making blisters out my forehead. UGH SO GROSS YOU GUYS.
The prognosis is good in the long term. I caught it early. I’m on anti-viral drugs. I’m not contagious. I can go about my daily life. I just need to get enough rest and not let myself get stressed. Honestly I don’t know HOW IN HELLS BELLS to do either of those things, but I’m going to try.
And here’s the real dilemma: I don’t know how to take care of myself. Really. I am BAD at it! I mean, clearly, or I wouldn’t be here. I sleep MAYBE 4-5 hours a night. I eat anything I can shove in my mouth with one hand while standing up waiting for the subway. I work full time. I take a billion yoga and dance classes just because I freaking LOVE it. I’m always reading something or researching something or writing something. I’m always going, seeing, working, DOING. I’m a DOER! Or so I like to think… The problem is, my balance of DOING and BEING is way out of whack. I’ve known it. But… it’s hard to change… especially when you want a LOT out of life.
So perhaps I have this nasty-wasty virus that can take anywhere from 2-5 weeks to heal, so that I can learn to rest. To take better care. To BE and not just DO.
My brilliant teacher Elena says that we all choose our challenges, and our struggles. She says we choose them before we get here, and choose the ones we do because those are the lessons we need to learn, and we need to learn these lessons so we can teach others. I believe that’s true. Or I at least see a lot of beauty in it, which makes me want to believe it.
So somewhere deep down, I suppose I chose this disease, because I NEED to learn to care for myself. I mean, I’m a yoga teacher by trade. Not teaching much right now, but I want to be. In fact, I devoted 2013 as my Year Of Self-Realization (whoaaaa topic for another post!), during which I would learn about and get clear with myself, my issues, and my past in preparation to teach again. Well. This is going to be a hell of a way to do it… I HAVE to learn to care for myself—and I have to learn it REALLY WELL—if I ever hope to have ANY business teaching others how to care for themselves.
And so, here I am. Trying to figure out what to do to take care of me, and trying to be ok with that. With BEING and not always DOING. Honestly, I don’t know how this is going to go… but I have to get well.
I’ve heard that all writers write the book they need to read. Elena wrote a gorgeous yoga book called, “The Art Of Attention.”
Well, my book would be called “The Art Of Self Care.” And it begins now. It has to. And it will be born of my own experience, because it has to be that too. And hopefully, in the end, I learn the lessons I need to know, and integrate them into my life and my self, and can pass them on with the authority that only personal experience can bring. And maybe that’s what was meant to happen.
Or maybe I’m just waaaaay dramatizing this situation I mean it’s a VIRUS you guys, EEEEUUUWWW!
But maybe I’m not… Maybe it was, in a weird way, a gift, a teacher… Or maybe it can be, if I let it…
In either case, stay with me. Wherever we end up, it’s going to be an INTERESTING trip.
Tuesday, March 19, 5:30 & 8pm.
WHAT the—OH yes, that’s right guys: I doubled it up today!
Actually it’s not that big a deal, I do it all the time, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Bikram at 5:30, and Hot Power Vinyasa at 8. Lest you think I’m a MANIAC, let me ‘splain. The two styles actually complement each other perfectly. Bikram is all about alignment, Vinyasa is all about range of motion (well, and alignment too). So I warm up and get aligned in Bikram so I can work through my muscular system and FLOW in Vinyasa. My body LOVES this process. It finds it DELICIOUS like a dark chocolate bar. One of those Lindt ones. ‘With sea salt…
YESSSSSSS.
Anyway, both classes were fabzzz (teenage girl speak for ‘fabulous’) and JUST what I needed.
Bikram: class was subbed out. OH HEAVENS! But no it was actually a cool thing, because the sub was a teacher I don’t get to take with often, and I like her. She has lots to say but isn’t overbearing. She picks and chooses her moments, and teaches with a sense of ease that’s refreshing. At least to me!
Something that stuck out in an awesome way was that she was TOTALLY silent during all the Savasanas in the floor series. So many teachers, in NYC anyway, have THINGS to say during those quiet moments. Announcements, tips for the posture coming up, corrections for the posture that just was… But I actually prefer the silence, in some ways. It lets you really FULLY relax, and allows your body to absorb the work you just did in the posture, really feeling the ‘sense of completion,’ as one of my teachers calls it. And today, I actually FELT it. And it felt… GOOD. Really good. Most restful Bikram Savasanas I’ve ever had, I think! All just from the teacher being silent!
As Manorama (my meditation teacher/spiritual guide/Sanskrit scholar/all around COOL person to hang with) says, sometimes teaching isn’t about knowing WHAT to say, it’s about knowing WHAT NOT to say. BRILLZ (teenage girl speak for ‘brilliant’).
Hot Power Vinyasa: This one was completely different, but still totally ahmaaaaaaz (teen girl for ‘amazing’). This class can vary a bit in pace and intensity, but the request this evening was for ‘fast flow’. Which was EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TOO! Am I in my Vortex or WHAT, you guys!? So yeah, it was fast, it was flowy, the music was loud, the lights were dim, just how I like it! Vinyasa really is the chocolate cake of yoga. Again, no huge physical breakthroughs, but a good solidly sweaty class. DELIGHTS!
And Here’s What We Learned Today…: Sometimes it’s not what the teacher says, but what she DOESN’T say that makes the biggest difference. Also, I’m too old to be using teenage girl speak. My bad, guys!
Monday, March 18, 6:30pm
So this class was a bit of a disappointment. Well, I suppose that’s a little harsh. It was a bit of a letdown. And really, it was probably only even that because I had SO overhyped it and built it up in my head. It was a Vinyasa class—
Wait, WHAT?! Alison, you do VINYASA?!?
Yeah guys! I totally do! And I LOVE it! Vinyasa was actually my first introduction to yoga, and I’ve been doing it for six years, maybe seven? Time flies… It’s different from Bikram, obviously. You move a lot more. And there’s music. And incense. And fun lighting. And about a billion more poses, including inversions and all kinds of crazy yoga party tricks where you contort on your hands…
Fun, no? TOTALLY FUN. Basically, Bikram is like eating a big plate of kale. Vinyasa is like eating a pizza. YUMMM!
ANYWAY.
Another way Vinyasa is different from Bikram is that the class itself is always different. The teacher invents their own sequences, and teaches the poses in their own way. So your experience from one class/teacher to another can vary GREATLY. Your enjoyment of the class as a student depends a lot on the teacher and how well you vibe with them, and how their style of sequencing and teaching matches what your body wants and needs. It’s SUPER interesting.
I’m always looking for new teachers and studios, and this one came highly recommended. I was told the class was intense and sweaty, that it would be packed, and that everyone in the room would be able to pike into a handstand. WELL. THAT certainly sounded impressive! Obviously I would have to check this out…
So finally, Monday was my day. Yes, the class was crowded. Yes, the teacher had a lot of information to share. Yes, most of the room (at least the first 2-3 rows) could pike very gracefully into the lightest of handstands, however…. the class was ANYTHING BUT intense and sweaty. If I had to qualify it, I would say it was ‘sleepytime yoga’: gently, soothing, simple. Nothing wrong with that of course! Just… not what I was looking for.
As for all those handstanding girls and guys in front, I’m not sure where they’re learning that stuff—I suspect they’re all doing Ashtanga in the mornings—but it is NOT in this class. Bummer.
Still, even though the workout aspect was negligible (I know you guys, YOGA IS NOT A WORKOUT! But come on, my body likes to WORK!), I still had some lovely restorative opening and a blissful Savasana. Which is really perhaps the more important aspect of yoga: the energetic opening and sense of emotional calm and alignment it brings. But even so, energetically aligned or not, I still had the yearning to hit the gym afterward!
And Here’s What We’ve Learned Today…: You can’t always trust other people’s interpretation of “intense” and “sweaty” when it comes to yoga! And while yoga is CERTAINLY more than just a cardio fitness class, and sometimes the energetic gains outweigh the physical ones… still, go home and do your crunches ;)
Hey guys! Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Wishing you all a lovely day of green juice, green beer, green bagels, and all other manner of festive novelty green foods!
But the real reason for this post is to let you know that the 30 Day Challenge starts today! And that it’s NOT too late for you to get onboard! Shoot me an email at iapnap30days@gmail.com to sign on. You do yoga every day for 30 days, I send you positive inspiring emails, we all chat on an internet forum set up just for this event, and at the end of 30 days we’re ALL TRANSFORMED!
Sound fun?! Get on board! Email me anytime before Tuesday and I’ll add you to the list! And remember that today is the first day, so make sure to get that yoga in, preferably BEFORE you start celebrating the holiday…
Happy Day 1, and NAMASTE!
NO, I am not talking about the holidays! Those are over! Or, not started yet… or something. WHATEVER. I am talking about…
THIRTY DAY CHALLENGE TIME!!!!
YAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!
This blog has been around for about two years now, sparked in large part by my very first 30 Day Challenge waaaaay back in 2011! So to celebrate the two years, and because my yoga practice is taking off in CRAZY new directions, I’m thinking it’s time for another one!
AND, just like the last time, I’m asking you—yes, YOU!—to do it with me!
I mean, if you want to… I’m not the boss of you.
But come ONNNN, it would be SO FUN! Here’s how it’ll go…
* We all commit to do SOME kind of yoga (any style you want, any form of practice you want, any length of time you want, in a studio, in a class, at home, mix it up, WHATEVER, if it counts to you, it counts to me!) every day for 30 days.
* I’ll set up an online forum so we can all meet and talk to each other and MOTIVATE each other and HOLD EACH OTHER ACCOUNTABLE!
* I’ll send inspirational emails and post motivational posts every day for the whole 30 days to keep us all going! And you guys, my own practice has yielded LOTS of inspiration lately, so I have LOADS to say about SOOOO many things!
* At the end of 30 days we will be SO INSPIRED and SO EMPOWERED because we did what most mere mortals cannot even fathom!
AND our bodies and minds will be in better shape!
AND we will—without a doubt—have transformed our thoughts for the better, and busted our hearts wide open, and become brighter, truthier, shinier, and altogether WAY MORE BETTER people all around!
ALL OF THESE ARE GOOD THINGS, YOU GUYS!
So let’s do this! It’ll be—wait, what? I’m missing something?
OH YEAH, dates! RIGHT.
I’m thinking Sunday, March 17-Monday, April 15. Which are the exact dates I used for my very first 30 Day Challenge. Starting on St. Patrick’s Day (because I’m Irish and it’s good to do some yoga before you start ‘celebrating your hertiage’ aka feasting and boozing—if you’re into that..!), and ending on Tax Day (because LORD KNOWS we need a reason to look forward to THAT day!).
So guys, whaddya say? WHO’S IN?????
If the answer is YOU (or if you just have questions or just, ya know, wanna say HEY!), send an email with subject line ‘I’m In!’ to: iapnap30days@gmail.com .
Include your name (helpful!), where you’re from, what kind of yoga you’re into, and anything else you want to share or that you think might be interesting for me (what you’re having for lunch, your favorite childhood pet, if you were a salad dressing what kind you would be, etc. NORMAL STUFF). And then GET READY FOR YOUR LIFE TO CHANGE!!!
LOVE to you all….now let’s DO this!!!
An oldie, but goodie! I figured since it’s like negative-FREEZY-degrees Fahrenheit here in NYC right now, it might be an appropriate time to bring this one back :)
Now GIT YO’ SELVES INTO THE HOT ROOM, PEOPLE!
And find your own INVINCIBLE SUMMER!!!
Wednesday, June 15 6am
Oh yeah, early morning yoga is fast becoming my THING. It’s like I had forgotten how good it feels to exercise (yeah yeah I KNOW, not that yoga is “exercise”, but well… it kind of is) early in the morning. I mean, it makes me feel better ALL DAY LONG, which is AMAZING.
No more sluggishness at my desk, no more feeling like a ton of bricks by the time I get into work, no more sense of uselessness and defeat by lunch! No more wanting to jump out the 18th floor window by 3pm because “there’s just no point and it’s all just too much and this mindless paperwork never ends and I can just FEEL myself getting stupider every moment I stay in this place and whyyyyy must I spend nine hours a day caged in my office, chained to my computer like an animal ugggggghhhh!!!!”
NO!
Now, no matter what happens during the day, I have a sense of accomplishment knowing I’ve already completed my 90 minute moving meditation in Bikram’s torture chamber, and WOW, what a feeling that is! YEAH!
Not to say that the class is easy while it’s happening. Of course it isn’t. No one’s body is meant to get straight out of bed and jump into some Pranayama breathing and a little Standing Head To Knee. But somehow it’s mentally easier in the morning. There’s something so brilliant about getting up with a purpose, even when you have to get up at bloody 4am.
I AM GETTING UP EARLY AND GOING TO YOGA. I AM GOING TO BREATHE FOR 90 MINUTES. I AM GOING TO TRY TO STICK MY FOREHEAD ON MY KNEE. AND EVEN IF THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN, I AM TAKING THIS TIME FOR ME, AND DOING SOMETHING THAT I LOVE, THAT BRINGS PEACE AND HAPPINESS AND MEANING TO MY LIFE!
Yes, I think that’s what it is. It’s about getting up and doing something for YOURSELF. Not getting up and thinking “Ok time to go to work. For the MAN.” That’s not motivating. When you get out of bed, at whatever time, and start the day off by doing something that’s just for YOU? Well, that’s power. And it’s EMPOWERING.
It makes me feel like “HEY, I DO have some control over my life! I am more than just a mindless drone that sits and processes paperwork in a cold fluorescent office all day. I am MORE! I am WORTH more! And I AM IN CONTROL OF MY DESTINY! YESSS!”
And all of the stretching and breathing and pushing and contracting and compressing of the yoga itself aside, I think this is the biggest benefit of the practice: It brings you back to YOU.
Oh morning yoga, I love you! Because you help me love myself!
Awwwwwwww!
Friday, June 4 2pm
It was hot, and we were struggling. Favorite Teacher could tell, and during the Savasana between standing series and floor series, she told us this story about the class she had taken the previous day. I’ve quoted it as best I can remember.
“I reached for my foot to do standing bow, and I fell over. Just reaching for my foot! It was one of those days. I couldn’t balance, on one foot or two, couldn’t stand up. It was awful. I was so embarrassed. I was complaining afterward to (the teacher): ‘OH I’m so awful, it’s so hard, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can’t do anything, things are so difficult right now! I’m so emotional!’ And she just looked at me and said ‘And what makes you think you’re any different from anyone else? Maybe you’re just experiencing LIFE.’”
I guess we all struggle sometimes. Though I often feel like it’s just me. I’m the ONLY one that has a hard time sucking in my stomach. NO ONE ELSE gets winded doing Standing Bow. I’m the ONLY person in the WORLD with a tight neck and shoulder area that makes it hell trying to get my arms back behind my ears. NO ONE ELSE COULD POSSIBLY KNOW ABOUT THESE THINGS.
That’s how it seems, when I look around the room and everyone else looks calm and serene while I’m barely able to breathe and control my heart from galloping out of my chest like a wild horse. No one ELSE is struggling to control their breathing right now.
Honestly, I don’t know if they are or not. It’s not like I can get in their bodies and find out. But I do have to believe that everyone struggles with something at some time. And as Favorite Teacher’s favorite teacher says, it’s all part of the universal experience of being human. As such, I suppose it’s nothing to fear. Or be embarrassed about, or ashamed of, or avoided even. It’s just like waking up in the morning, and going to sleep at night. And like those things too, it’s not forever.
Favorite Teacher also said the following:
“Yoga isn’t easy. Sometimes it hurts. Just like life. But we always love it. Just like life.”
So beautiful, so true.
A YOGA BLOG.
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